Is a good relationship with a teenager even possible, you might wonder, seeing that they are unpredictable, emotionally charged, and moody? Walsh (2012) remarks that we need to be ready for changes in our teenager's developmental needs and allow them to become more autonomous and independent during adolescence, but maintain a close parent-teenage relationship. Walsh (2012) continues that if a parent-child relationship is lacking, it might lead to higher chances of substance abuse and pregnancy during this phase. I want to share a few thoughts with you. Things that I’ve realised while raising my own two beautiful children: 1) Set clear boundaries Parents want what is best for their children but often make mistakes, like not setting clear boundaries and rules. Rules are good, as it gives a teenager security, without him realising. Negotiate rules with your child, and include him in the process. 2) You can NOT be your child’s best friend Some parents want to be cool. Truth be told, you will never be cool enough for teenagers. Your child doesn’t need you to be his friend, he has his friends. Many parents don't realise the transition that takes place psychosocially. According to Erikson, at the age of 11/12 (depending on puberty), your child needs to find his identity with friends (Snowman & McCown, 2014). This is much needed to understand their role in society and feel accomplished in their role. A teenager wants a parent that he can trust with his deepest, and often confusing, thoughts. He wants someone he can confide in, someone that will give an honest opinion, that will be available when he wants to talk, but who is also willing to give him space when he needs it. Your child’s best friend is not going to make him follow rules or give him the best advice. You must be able to discipline your child and be okay with the fact that he will not always like you for doing that. This does not mean you can not have fun with your child and you should prioritise quality time together. Find something both of you enjoy. 3) Don’t break trust If you expect your teenager to be honest, trust him, and tell him you trust him. This gives him the responsibility to be truthful. Many adolescents feel that they can not be trusted and therefore lie to their parents. When your child tells you something in confidence, he needs you to keep it confidential. Don’t discuss his feelings with family or friends because if he finds out (and he will), trust will be hard to restore. 4) Be emotionally available and listen without judging Communication is key. Walsh (2012) mentions the importance of teenagers expressing their opinion, values, aspirations, interests, and feelings. Be available when your child wants to speak to you, even if it seems unimportant to you. When he has something to say, be expectant to hear what they have to say. Your teenager might have the most ridiculous thoughts and ideas as he discovers himself. He will do things that you don’t approve of, he will bounce ideas off you and ask for your opinion or test the boundaries that you have set. When you judge what he says and does, you destroy his self-esteem and confidence. Patterson et al. (2009) recommend that you have openness and a basic acceptance of your teenagers to harvest trust between parent and child and allow your teenager to feel you are guiding them alongside them. Listen and let him finish his idea…This might be difficult, but stay calm. If you don’t agree with something, give a good reason why, and explain it, without saying: “because I said so”. Suggest an alternative, that will make him think about things. This is also known as the Authoritative parenting style (click here for more info on parenting styles). 5) Apologise when you were wrong Parents make mistakes. We hurt our children’s feelings and we are unreasonable at times. Apologise. Explain that you’ve had a bad day at work, or that you are not feeling well. You will be surprised how well he understands and how forgiving he is. You might even be lucky and get a cup of tea. And remember, when he apologises for something, forgive immediately and without reservation. A term coined by Carl Rogers is having unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard is having an attitude that allows your child to feel accepted and loved and contributes to their self-esteem and confidence (Rogers, 1946). This does not mean that you approve of everything your child does or have a mindset to give your child free rein to be dangerous or unhealthy (click here for more). 6) Listen to the song he wants you to hear… Just when you are in the middle of something important, he will casually ask you to listen to this awesome new song. You might find it difficult to hear the words or relate to the style of music but listen carefully because music is a teenager’s language. Your teen is trying to make sense of a world that often doesn't make sense. "Music appeals to many teens who discover that the words in popular songs often express their feelings and experiences," says clinical social worker Kathryn Rudlin. "Teens tend to gravitate to music describing what they are feeling and what is important to them." Acknowledge it, and talk about the “song” (his feelings). Listen to it again… and this time turn up the volume! Written by Illse de Beer (Life Coach)
About the author: Illse is a self-motivated mother of two with more than twenty years experience. Illse has an interest in people and enjoys facilitating the change and growth of clients. It is her passion to encourage personal development and support people in achieving their goals.
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When talking to people, almost everyone feels that there is just not enough time in the day to do what needs to be done, let alone to do it well. It is easy to see other people’s efficiency, but we seldom work on our effectiveness. Philip Kotler, an American marketing author, consultant, and professor said “When it comes to efficiency and effectiveness, I would always start with effectiveness. I am interested in reaching a certain result. Only secondary do I worry about achieving it as efficiently as possible”. In other words: efficiency is about doing everything well, whereas effectiveness is doing well that which is important. It is more likely for efficient people to feel stressed because they just feel that there isn’t enough time to do everything as agreeably as they would like. Effective people make choices. They focus on what needs doing and then on getting that done. Effective people are less likely to ‘sweat the small stuff’! Some ideas to raise your effectiveness: 1. Don’t procrastinate When we procrastinate, we tend to be aware that we’re evading the task in question and convince ourselves that doing so is likely a bad idea. And yet, we do it anyway. It leads to waste and builds mountains out of molehills. When you need to complete something – just do it. Stop the excuses. Everyone has to do things they don’t enjoy sometimes. DO IT! 2. Prioritise Don’t do too many tasks at once. Rather prioritise your actions and you will get more accomplished in less time. If you struggle to do this, make a list of things that needs to be done, the dates when it has to be completed, and also what consequences there will be if the task is not done on the desired date. 3. Learn to say NO; guilty-free We can easily fall into the “people-pleasing” trap. We want people to think that we are efficient and therefore we have to be available. Even though it might be part of who you are to want to help others, be aware that people-pleasers often end up being taken advantage of by others. Always do your best for others, but don’t forget yourself and the things you need to do for yourself. 4. Make time for you Ensure that you give yourself at least 30 minutes a day to something you enjoy. Take your focus off work and revitalise yourself. You know what you need to relax; walk the dogs, bake, read a book, drink coffee with a friend or just sit and listen to music. Take time out, and enjoy that time without thinking about anyone or anything. You will feel re-energised afterward. Remember that effective people have the desire to improve and the persistence to do so. Written by Illse de Beer (Life Coach) About the author: Illse is a self-motivated mother of two with more than twenty years experience. Illse has an interest in people and enjoys facilitating the change and growth of clients. It is her passion to encourage personal development and support people in achieving their goals. The following 21 days is a great opportunity to develop yourself, your family, or give back to others. Here are some practical ideas that you can do during the lockdown which may benefit you in the long run. 1) Free online courses or skills There's various FREE online resources available. I intend to sharpen my cooking skills and feed my interest in business in the weeks to come. For the younger crowd or those young at heart; consider some new dance moves or workout ideas on TikTok or Youtube. If you want to develop your current skills, explore Coursera, EdX, and Open University. They are all FREE and linked to credible training institutes. There are over 2500 courses compiled by Universities like YALE and Stanford. I have introduced some online services that you might find a worthwhile future investment. These include:
Refer to my blog on career disposition to destination to find out more on this. If you're interest in the services above, click here. 2) Develop your relationships This is a great time to strengthen your family relationships at home, online, or by phone. At home you could have more quality time by playing board games or cards together. Also, it is a good time to teach someone a new skill, like cooking, cleaning or gardening. Make a habit of checking in with loved ones (online or by phone). I'll be in contact with one of my good friends in Eastbourne (England) and nearby in Pretoria (South Africa). I've heard on radio of a family having weekly dinner parties on Skype (download Skype here). The one part of the family is in South Africa and the other in England. I'll also continue to ask my brother for help over the phone with some practical work around the house. Why not teach or ask someone to teach you a new skill online or over the phone? Also, I have introduced online services to develop relationships between family members. This will include an online personality assessment and a 50-minute online session for R550. Please click here. 3) Start a blog, write or listen more It is easy to start a blog. Join Wordpress or Wix. It might take a while to figure out how these sites work, but once you get going, it is a pure joy. Listen to audio books online, for FREE! Audible has given access to their website for free in the lockdown time. I commend the Audible team for this great initiative; click here. Also refer to other resources: You can also consider writing in a journal. Research shows various benefits of journal writing. Of course, this is not a complete list, but a starting point. Please add some of your own ideas in the comment section below.
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