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Is a good relationship with a teenager even possible, you might wonder, seeing that they are unpredictable, emotionally charged, and moody? Walsh (2012) remarks that we need to be ready for changes in our teenager's developmental needs and allow them to become more autonomous and independent during adolescence, but maintain a close parent-teenage relationship. Walsh (2012) continues that if a parent-child relationship is lacking, it might lead to higher chances of substance abuse and pregnancy during this phase. I want to share a few thoughts with you. Things that I’ve realised while raising my own two beautiful children: 1) Set clear boundaries Parents want what is best for their children but often make mistakes, like not setting clear boundaries and rules. Rules are good, as it gives a teenager security, without him realising. Negotiate rules with your child, and include him in the process. 2) You can NOT be your child’s best friend Some parents want to be cool. Truth be told, you will never be cool enough for teenagers. Your child doesn’t need you to be his friend, he has his friends. Many parents don't realise the transition that takes place psychosocially. According to Erikson, at the age of 11/12 (depending on puberty), your child needs to find his identity with friends (Snowman & McCown, 2014). This is much needed to understand their role in society and feel accomplished in their role. A teenager wants a parent that he can trust with his deepest, and often confusing, thoughts. He wants someone he can confide in, someone that will give an honest opinion, that will be available when he wants to talk, but who is also willing to give him space when he needs it. Your child’s best friend is not going to make him follow rules or give him the best advice. You must be able to discipline your child and be okay with the fact that he will not always like you for doing that. This does not mean you can not have fun with your child and you should prioritise quality time together. Find something both of you enjoy.  3) Don’t break trust If you expect your teenager to be honest, trust him, and tell him you trust him. This gives him the responsibility to be truthful. Many adolescents feel that they can not be trusted and therefore lie to their parents. When your child tells you something in confidence, he needs you to keep it confidential. Don’t discuss his feelings with family or friends because if he finds out (and he will), trust will be hard to restore. 4) Be emotionally available and listen without judging Communication is key. Walsh (2012) mentions the importance of teenagers expressing their opinion, values, aspirations, interests, and feelings. Be available when your child wants to speak to you, even if it seems unimportant to you. When he has something to say, be expectant to hear what they have to say. Your teenager might have the most ridiculous thoughts and ideas as he discovers himself. He will do things that you don’t approve of, he will bounce ideas off you and ask for your opinion or test the boundaries that you have set. When you judge what he says and does, you destroy his self-esteem and confidence. Patterson et al. (2009) recommend that you have openness and a basic acceptance of your teenagers to harvest trust between parent and child and allow your teenager to feel you are guiding them alongside them. Listen and let him finish his idea…This might be difficult, but stay calm. If you don’t agree with something, give a good reason why, and explain it, without saying: “because I said so”. Suggest an alternative, that will make him think about things. This is also known as the Authoritative parenting style (click here for more info on parenting styles). 5) Apologise when you were wrong Parents make mistakes. We hurt our children’s feelings and we are unreasonable at times. Apologise. Explain that you’ve had a bad day at work, or that you are not feeling well. You will be surprised how well he understands and how forgiving he is. You might even be lucky and get a cup of tea. And remember, when he apologises for something, forgive immediately and without reservation. A term coined by Carl Rogers is having unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard is having an attitude that allows your child to feel accepted and loved and contributes to their self-esteem and confidence (Rogers, 1946). This does not mean that you approve of everything your child does or have a mindset to give your child free rein to be dangerous or unhealthy (click here for more). 6) Listen to the song he wants you to hear… Just when you are in the middle of something important, he will casually ask you to listen to this awesome new song. You might find it difficult to hear the words or relate to the style of music but listen carefully because music is a teenager’s language. Your teen is trying to make sense of a world that often doesn't make sense. "Music appeals to many teens who discover that the words in popular songs often express their feelings and experiences," says clinical social worker Kathryn Rudlin. "Teens tend to gravitate to music describing what they are feeling and what is important to them." Acknowledge it, and talk about the “song” (his feelings). Listen to it again… and this time turn up the volume!  Written by Illse de Beer (Life Coach)
About the author: Illse is a self-motivated mother of two with more than twenty years experience. Illse has an interest in people and enjoys facilitating the change and growth of clients. It is her passion to encourage personal development and support people in achieving their goals.
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